Madame Web: Hopelessly tangled

Madame Web (2024) • View trailer

One star (out of five). Rated PG-13, for action violence and profanity

Available via: Movie theaters

By Derrick Bang • Published in The Davis Enterprise, 2.16.24

This is the worst — and wholly failed — attempt at a high-profile superhero movie I’ve ever had the displeasure of enduring.

 

Cassie (Dakota Johnson, rear) and her three new companions — from left, Mattie
(Celeste O'Connor), Anya (Isabela Merced) and Julia (Sydney Sweeney) — are
terrified to discover they're being pursued by a powerful, costumed assassin who can
scuttle along ceilings.

I cannot imagine what prompted Sony/Marvel to green-light this pathetic excuse for a script by five credited hands: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker, Kerem Sanga and director S.J. Clarkson. Nothing — not the premise, plot, characters or dialogue — works, or feels even remotely like how real-world people would behave or talk.

This filmmaking team clearly wished to create a franchise that would give teenage girl heroes an entry into Marvel’s Cinematic Universe, and that’s a noble goal.

 

To have squandered that opportunity so egregiously, however, is deplorable.

 

Why these writers chose to re-invent such an obscure Marvel Comics character also is bewildering.

 

Cassandra Webb — aka Madame Webb — has occasionally scuttled around the fringes of Spider-Man comics since her debut back in November 1980. She’s a “precognitive clairvoyant” who gets unexpected flashes of near-future events, and therefore is able to change them, ideally for better outcomes.

 

But this numb-nuts script by Clarkson et al ignores most of that, instead setting this story’s events in an alternate universe that apparently lacks Spider-Man and all the other familiar Marvel superheroes.

 

Instead, a brief prologue introduces the very pregnant Constance Webb (Kerry Bishé), as she searches the Peruvian jungle for a rare spider, whose venom is reputed to have powerful healing and enhancement properties. She’s accompanied by bodyguard Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), who may as well have the phrase “actually a murderous opportunist” tattooed on his forehead.

 

Rahim has done better work in other films, but Clarkson clearly couldn’t inspire him here.

 

Sure enough, Sims shows his true colors once Constance finds one of the spiders; she’s mortally wounded in the subsequent scuffle. Sims gets away, while Constance is scooped up by — I’m not making this up — a hitherto-only-rumored tribe of web-garbed individuals with superhuman strength and agility, courtesy of the multitude of those same spiders with whom they’re sympatico. 

 

These guys carry her off to an underground grotto, and successfully deliver her baby daughter; alas — despite a helpful bite by one of the spiders — Constance dies.

 

Honestly, it’s hard not to laugh. The webby costumes are just silly, and their tree- and vine-hopping swiftness is ridiculously overstated.