The Beekeeper: Buzzes with guilty pleasure

The Beekeeper (2024) • View trailer

3.5 stars (out of five). Rated R, for strong violene, pervasive profanity, sexual references and drug use

Available via: Movie theaters

By Derrick Bang 

There’s nothing like starting the new year with a vicarious revenge saga, particularly when the villain has been concocted for maximum audience satisfaction.

 

Having located the building that houses the illegal phishing call center that victimized
his friend, Adam (Jason Statham, left) promises to burn it to the ground ... which two
security guards find amusing. Until they don't...

Jason Statham continues to kick ass with pizzazz at age 56, with that grim, go-to scowl that always means somebody’s about to suffer well-deserved damage; The Beekeeper clearly has been fashioned around his crowd-pleasing strengths. Although the third act succumbs to excess that only a superhero could endure and survive, his occasional flinty smile and taciturn one-liners will keep viewers happy.

Director David Ayer is a veteran of action-packed thrillers; he and editor Geoffrey O’Brien move things along at a lively clip.

 

Kurt Wimmer’s screenplay is a long way from Shakespeare, but he sets the stage cleverly, and definitely knows how to punch our buttons.

 

The story opens quietly, shadowing beekeeper Adam Clay (Statham) as he lovingly cares for his hives, carefully scrapes the raw honey from combs, then processes that into jars of sweet syrup. He works and lives in a large barn rented from elderly Eloise Parker (Phylicia Rashad), who greatly admires the way that Adam and his bees have transformed her once-dilapidated gardens into things of beauty.

 

Alas, on this particular day, while Adam works outside, Eloise’s computer is hit with what appears to be a security alert. Understandably concerned — and the always regal Rashad is radiant, even when flustered — she calls the number on the screen. 

 

We see what she doesn’t: The call is routed to a scam center run by slick, slimeball conman Boyd Garnett (David Witts), who overcomes Eloise’s uncertainty — “Yes, you could call your bank first, but you’ll lose all your files” — with the smooth-talking élan of considerable experience.

 

This credibly written sequence could be extracted as an effective public service announcement: People, don’t do this at home!

 

The glee with which Boyd reels her in, to the delight of the equally skeevy dozens fleecing their own victims in the call center, is truly appalling. And, sadly, Eloise succumbs.

 

But she isn’t an average mark; along with several personal accounts, she manages a charity fund of more than $2 million ... all of which vanishes in an electronic heartbeat.

 

Eloise’s next move is tragic.

 

Adam’s subsequent reaction is cold fury.

 

Five Nights at Freddy's: Four nights too many

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023) • View trailer

Two stars (out of five). Rated PG-13, and too generously, despite strong violent content, bloody images, gore and profanity

Available via: Movie theaters

By Derrick Bang

Since establishing itself as a purveyor of low-budget horror films in the early 21st century, Blumhouse Productions’ occasional hits — 2017’s Get Out, 2022’s M3gan and 2007’s Paranormal Activity come to mind — have been offset by scores of tedious and downright stupid entries that rely mostly on gore to scare up two quick weeks’ worth of business.

 

Five Nights at Freddy’s definitely belongs in the latter category.

 

Looking more like the vagrants he was hired to keep out of a long-shuttered family arcade
and pizzaria, Mike (Josh Hutcherson) finds Vanessa's knowledge of the place to be ...
rather unsettling.

Films based on video games are a dubious proposition to begin with, and director Emma Tammi’s uninspired work here is well matched by the contrived and ludicrous script she cobbled together with five (!) co-writers, including original game creator Scott Cawthon.

The result is driven less by logic and more by a desire to satisfy the cult-like following that has blossomed since the (frankly boring) game’s 2014 debut, and a subsequent series of best-selling horror novels. (Seriously? The mind doth boggle.)

 

Although Tammi’s film gets points for a reasonably unsettling first act, it’s sabotaged by an increasingly stupid back-story wedged into these events. Horror films almost always fail when the writer(s) attempt to explain the unexplained; consider the power of the original Halloween’s conclusion, when the “boogeyman’s” disappearance and apparent invulnerability were left as a disturbing mystery.

 

So.

 

Following a rash act that would have put him in jail for assault and battery in the real world, woebegone Mike Schmidt (a listless Josh Hutcherson, his career sliding further into the toilet each year) once again is out of work. That’s bad timing; bills are due, and his bitchy Aunt Jane (Mary Stuart Masterson) wants him declared an unfit guardian of his younger sister Abby (Piper Rubio), in order to take over and collect the monthly support checks.

 

Mike has long been haunted by a childhood tragedy, when — briefly left in charge of younger brother Garrett (Lucas Grant), during a family camping trip — he failed to prevent the little boy from being kidnapped. Assisted by sleeping pills and sensory reminders of that incident, Mike keeps trying to “dream” additional details that might identify the kidnapper.

 

(Question No. 1: Abby, not yet born when the tragedy occurred, appears to be at least 20 years younger than Mike. Since Mike later explains that his mother died years ago, and that his father “split because he couldn’t handle it,” when, precisely, did the little girl come along?)

 

Abby admittedly is a troubled  and antisocial child, who eschews eating and conversation, and prefers sleeping in a makeshift floor tent rather than within the comfort of her bed. But she isn’t “impaired,” a kind social worker insists, merely trying to work her way through stuff.

 

Thanks to an unusually helpful job placement counselor — Matthew Lillard, as the oddly sinister Steve Raglan — Mike secures a new job as nighttime security officer at the decrepit remnants of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, once a popular game and pizzeria emporium in the mold of Chuck E. Cheese. The place has fallen into disrepair following its closure years ago, but — Raglan explains — the owner can’t bear to tear it down. Ergo, a security guard is needed to prevent vandals from trashing the place.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 — Fails to catch fire

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 (2014) • View trailer 
Three stars. Rated PG-13, for violence, disturbing action and dramatic intensity
By Derrick Bang • Originally published in The Davis Enterprise, 11.21.14

As was true of its two predecessors, this newest big-screen installment in the Hunger Games franchise follows its source quite closely.

Which, in this case, isn’t a good thing.

When Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence, foreground right) agrees to check on the injured civilians
in a District 8 hospital, she's joined by, from left, Commander Paylor (Patina Miller) Gale
(Liam Hemsworth), Boggs (Mahershala Ali) and Pollux (Elden Henson).

Suzanne Collins’ third novel is gawdawful: a complete betrayal of her characters, and of her readers. I can’t imagine what the author was smoking when she wrote it, but this much is obvious: Her heart wasn’t in it, and — in hindsight — she should have quit after the first one.

My sympathies therefore lie with scripters Peter Craig and Danny Strong, tasked with making a cinematic silk purse out of this sow’s ear of a book. With credits such as The Town, Game Change and Lee Daniels’ The Butler, they seem an odd choice to craft a post-apocalyptic narrative that spends so much time inside the head of a strong and resourceful young woman, which may explain why Katniss Everdeen is such a mess in this film.

Not even Jennifer Lawrence, who aside from her considerable talent certainly knows this character by now, can persuasively deliver the frankly ludicrous emotional arcs demanded by this storyline.

On top of which, this film suffers the problem that plagued the penultimate Harry Potter film. Both J.K. Rowling’s The Deathly Hallows and Collins’ Mockingjay save most of their action for the second half, limiting the first portions to sidebar exposition and increasingly melodramatic angst.

If Hollywood, in its cynical desire to wring as much money as possible from these franchises, chops each final book in half, we’re therefore tormented with a two-hour film “teaser” that accomplishes ... almost nothing. Harry Potter 7.1 was a yawn: a time-filler that should have been subtitled Harry and Hermione Go Camping.

Hunger Games 3.1, in turn, should be dubbed Katniss Has a Good Cry. Repeatedly.

It’s not that Katniss doesn’t deserve an emotional collapse; goodness knows, she has been through a lot during the year-plus covered by the first two books (and films). But it’s distressing to see a character who initially impressed us as a resourceful fighter, suddenly transformed into a near-helpless victim who gets acted upon.

Granted, Katniss is destined to regain her spunk as things continue, but that’s a discussion for next year’s Hunger Games 3.2.

Meanwhile, we’re stuck with this one.

Epic: Wishful thinking

Epic (2013) • View trailer 
Three stars. Rating: PG, and needlessly, for "scary images" and mildly rude language
By Derrick Bang

This is a gorgeously produced animated fantasy, with opulent visuals and a color palette that cleverly reflects the story beats; I’d expect no less from director Chris Wedge and his Blue Sky Studios, the folks who brought us the Ice Age series.

M.K. (voiced by Amanda Seyfried), suddenly responsible for the safety of a pod that
will help preserve the surrounding forest, fends off hilariously unlikely romantic
overtures from Mub (Aziz Ansari), a slug who fancies himself quite the chick magnet.

The impressive voice talent is well cast, with our primary characters granted personality and depth by Colin Farrell, Josh Hutcherson, Amanda Seyfried, Chris O’Dowd, Beyoncé and particularly Christoph Waltz, who makes a grand villain.

The dialogue is droll and snarky, with quite a few laughs coming from O’Dowd.

And yet...

Narratively, Epic is curiously flat and uninvolving: far less than the sum of parts that should have worked better than they do. The premise is contrived and scattershot, with bits begged, borrowed or stolen from other, superior fantasy sagas. Waltz’s scenery-chewing malevolence notwithstanding, there’s never a sense of genuine peril: no feeling that our heroes are in any real danger, or that they’ll fail to save the day in the manner foretold in the first act.

The storyline is based loosely on The Leaf Men and the Brave Good Bugs, one of imaginative author/illustrator William Joyce’s many delectable children’s books. Actually, “loosely” still overstates the case; 20th Century Fox has gone out of its way to distance this film from Joyce’s book.

Frankly, all concerned might have done better to follow Joyce’s template more closely, since this script — credited to Tom J. Astle, Matt Ember, James V. Hart and Daniel Shere — is a derivative, disorganized mess. Characters too frequently seem to have been granted screen time — and dialogue — based on the popularity of the star providing the voice, as opposed to reasons relating to plot continuity.

That’s a bass-ackwards approach to filmmaking, and the awkward results are plain.

The Hunger Games: A heroine for the ages

The Hunger Games (2012) • View trailer
3.5 stars. Rating: PG-13, for violence and dramatic intensity, all involving teens
By Derrick Bang • Originally published in The Davis Enterprise, 3.25.12


First, the crucial issue: Jennifer Lawrence is Katniss Everdeen. Every physical characteristic, every delicately shaded emotional nuance.

It’s as if Lawrence stepped off the pages of Suzanne Collins’ novel.

Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence, right) watches footage from previous Hunger Games
bouts, hoping to learn from the successes — and failures — of her predecessors,
while her disillusioned mentor, Haymitch (Woody Harrelson), and the effete
Effie (Elizabeth Banks) carefully guard their own thoughts.

This comes as no surprise, to those who were mesmerized by Lawrence’s Oscar-nominated performance in 2010’s Winter’s Bone. That unflinching, Ozark mountains girl possessed the same blend of stubborn, often foolish courage and troubled vulnerability, the latter emerging only when she thought nobody was looking.

Even then, when the film adaptation of Collins’ The Hunger Games was just an anticipatory gleam in Hollywood’s eye, savvy observers knew that the big-screen Katniss had been found.

Lawrence embraces this role — one of the early 21st century’s most iconic young female characters, alongside Lisbeth Salandar and Bella Swan — and makes it her own. She is, even during her quiet moments, so much more interesting than Kristen Stewart’s pouty, bland and detached handling of Bella, in the increasingly disappointing Twilight film series. Even though Bella is — should be — the focus of those stories, Stewart inevitably is the least interesting figure on camera.

Not so with Lawrence, who owns this adaptation of The Hunger Games.

Gary Ross — a sharp writer (Big, Dave) who graduated to writer/director, with Pleasantville and Seabiscuit — has made an honorable adaptation of Collins’ enormously popular novel. This screen interpretation is faithful in much the manner of the early Harry Potter films: All the essential plot elements make it to the screen; all the characters are deftly cast, and play their roles persuasively.

Production designer Philip Messina has done a smashing job with the various settings, from the hard-scrabble mining community that Katniss calls home, to the opulent, cruelly ornamental capital of this alternate reality, where decadent, self-absorbed aristocrats gambol without giving a thought to the deprived, desperate 99 percent.

(Make no mistake: Ross — sharing scripting credit with Collins and Billy Ray — doesn’t miss this obvious opportunity for a pointed jab at our rapidly widening, real-world class divide.)

Costume designer Judianna Makovsky does an equally fine job, particularly with the horridly colorful outfits worn by the mindless, oblivious Effie Trinket (Elizabeth Banks). And literally dozens of make-up artists and hair stylists work similar miracles, re-creating the hilariously outrageous fashions sported by the patrician jet-set.

You probably sense, gentle reader, that I’m building up to a “but” ... and, indeed, I am. We’ll get to that in a bit.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island — Harmless adventure

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012) • View trailer
Three stars. Rating: PG, and pointlessly, for fantasy action and mild profanity
By Derrick Bang


This film has one of the silliest scripts I’ve ever encountered.

That’s not necessarily an unkind indictment; take it more as a warning. Most films require a certain suspension of disbelief; this one demands that we abandon disbelief entirely.

On this very mysterious island, things that are supposed to be large, are
small ... and vice-versa. That'll mean plenty of huge insects waiting to
menace, from left, Hank (Dwayne Johnson), Gabato (Luiz Guzmán), Sean
(Josh Hutcherson) and Kailani (Vanessa Hudgens).

It genuinely feels as though writers Brian Gunn, Mark Gunn and Richard Outten were busily scribbling pages as the film was being shot, and madly handing fresh sheets to director Brad Peyton just in time for the next scene. Logical continuity? Forget it. Character development? What’s that?

All concerned appear to have aimed for the viewership that has made Scooby-Doo such a long-running franchise, and more recently embraced deliberately silly action shows such as the Cartoon Network’s Level Up. Nothing wrong with that, necessarily; there’s something to be said for jes’ plain dumb fun.

On the other hand, at times Journey 2: The Mysterious Island flirts with something a few rungs further up the intellectual ladder. At such moments, I was reminded of Disney’s marvelous 1962 adaptation of Jules Verne’s In Search of the Castaways, which gave Hayley Mills one of her better ’tween roles. She and co-stars Maurice Chevalier and George Sanders dealt with an avalanche, an earthquake, a volcano, a flash flood, alligators, jaguars, mutineers and cannibals, all while somehow retaining a level of droll sophistication that this film can’t deliver at its best moment.

Clearly, veteran director Robert Stevenson — who also gave Disney The Absent-Minded Professor, Mary Poppins and The Love Bug, among many others — understood the formula far better than young Mr. Peyton here, whose only previous big-screen credit was 2010’s Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

The prosecution rests.

But I truly come not to bury this film, but to praise its virtues ... however modest they may be.

For starters, there’s something to be said for skipping the angst and exposition that normally would lace the first act of such a story. Peyton and his writers waste no time dumping our heroes into the adventure of their lives, and then it’s just one catastrophe after another, as we breezily race through this film’s economical 94 minutes. You may find it silly, but you certainly won’t be bored.

Cirque du Freak, The Vampire's Assistant: Bloody good

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009) • View trailer for The Vampire's Assistant
3.5 stars (out of five). Rating: PG-13, for violence and fantasy mayhem
By Derrick Bang • Originally published in The Davis Enterprise, 10.30.09
Buy DVD: Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant• Buy Blu-Ray: Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant [Blu-ray]

Bang's 17th law of cinema:

The opening credits will give a strong indication of the quality and entertainment value of the entire film.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant has a great set of opening credits.

And, indeed, the film is a lot of fun.

Darren (Chris Massoglia, right) resists drinking blood, even though the much
wiser Laren Crepsley (John C. Reilly) explains that the boy eventually will die
without sustenance. The problem is that Darren hasn't yet been properly
motivated ... but that'll change soon.

This debut screen adaptation of Darren Shan's Cirque du Freak series cherry-picks key events from the first several books, and that may be the film's only major flaw: It tries to cover too much ground.

Too many characters are introduced too quickly, and the unrelenting pace never really pauses for breath.

At the same time, that certainly immerses us quickly in director Paul Weitz's enthusiastic depiction of these adventures. Production designer William Arnold and visual effects supervisor Todd Shifflett really go to town: Every scene is chockablock with captivating things to see, hear and absorb.

In that respect, this film is very much like an actual three-ring circus: It's impossible to watch everything at once, and repeat viewings will be necessary, in order to pick up little details scurrying about at the corners of many scenes.

Another round wouldn't bother me in the slightest ... and that's the only detail that matters, when judging a film. Do you want to see it again?

Absolutely.

Many have tried for the "sweet spot" that perfectly blends thrills and chills in a horror comedy; many have failed. The Lost Boys, back in 1987, got it right; so did Once Bitten and Fright Night (both 1985), Shaun of the Dead and this year's Zombieland.

Weitz's handling of The Vampire's Assistant deserves its place on that list, and it's also more kid-friendly than some: a good, reasonably safe fright flick that can be viewed by all ages.

(An endorsement that'll be regarded as the kiss of death, of course, for the gore crowd more at home with the likes of Saw VI. To each his own.)

Darren (Chris Massoglia) and Steve (Josh Hutcherson, recently seen in the remake of Journey to the Center of the Earth) have been best friends for years. Sadly, high school hasn't been good for this relationship; Darren's preference for integrity and good behavior are viewed with scorn by Steve, who definitely heads in the "bad seed" direction.

Both boys remain steadfast more out of habit, despite being increasingly dismayed by the ever-widening chasm separating their values.

Journey to the Center of the Earth: Rollicking trip

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008) • View trailer for Journey to the Center of the Earth
3.5 stars (out of five). Rating: PG, for fantasy peril
By Derrick Bang • Originally published in The Davis Enterprise, 7.11.08
Buy DVD: Journey to the Center of the Earth • Buy Blu-Ray: Journey to the Center of the Earth [Blu-ray]

This is the best Walt Disney film that Uncle Walt never made.

Director Eric Brevig's Journey to the Center of the Earth is unapologetically retro: an old-style, family-friendly adventure highlighted by contemporary set design and creature technology. More than once, this film strongly echoes Disney's 1962 adaptation of In Search of the Castaways — another Jules Verne tale, it should be mentioned — most notably during a roaring sequence as our heroes tear down a hillside on a roundish "vehicle" of sorts.

The calm before all heck breaks loose: Our intrepid explorers — from left,
Trevor (Brendan Fraser), Sean (Josh Hutcherson) and Hannah (Anita Briem) —
make their way through a mysteriious cave, unaware that the ground is about to
give way and plunge them into an exciting adventure.

The script — by Michael Weiss, Jennifer Flackett and Mark Levin — is simple and superficial, but I don't mean that in a bad way; the film simply avoids angst and complicated interpersonal dynamics. We're quickly and economically introduced to our three main characters, who begin with mildly prickly relationships with each other — the better for mostly gentle one-liners — and then they pretty much carry the film on their own.

In a rather clever nod toward Verne's classic novel, which scientist Trevor Anderson (Brendan Fraser) insists remains a "good read," our heroes use the book as a blueprint for their own incredible saga. They eventually treat the book's chapters less as a whopping tall tale, and more as an early "rough guide" to life beneath the surface.

What we 21st century citizens know of actual science must be ignored, of course ... but this film is so good- natured about its casual disregard for basic laws of physics and temperature dynamics, that we cheerfully go along for the ride.

I must bow to the continuing savvy of Walden Media, which has delivered yet another delightfully earnest adaptation of an established book, following in the recent footsteps of Holes, Hoot, Charlotte's Web, Bridge to Terabithia and both Chronicles of Narnia entries, among others. Every one of these films can be enjoyed by all ages, without pandering to children or annoying their adult companions.

My earlier nod to Uncle Walt is equally earnest; I'm certain he would have loved Walden Media's films, since the production company strives for the same elements typical of late 1950s and early '60s Disney live-action entries such as Old Yeller, Polyanna, The Swiss Family Robinson, The Incredible Journey and, as mentioned, Castaways.

Or let's put it this way: If some cranky relative of a certain age complains about how "movies aren't made like they used to be," bring said individual along when you catch this Journey to the Center of the Earth.

In quick order, we're introduced to Trevor, a university-based scientist about to lose his lab due to an absence of publishable data, and his young nephew, Sean (Josh Hutcherson, from Bridge to Terabithia). Both have holes in their souls, due to the long-ago loss of Max, Trevor's brother and Sean's father. Indeed, Trevor's subsequent career has been an effort to defend the theories of his brother, who went missing a decade ago while on field work.

Now, thanks to fresh seismic activity in a region long believed dormant, Trevor hares off to Iceland, rather irresponsibly allowing Sean to tag along. (Hey, it's that kind of story. Go with the flow.) They meet a gorgeous but impressively resourceful local guide, Hannah (Anita Briem, perhaps recognized as Jane Seymour in TV's The Tudors), who leads them to the site of Trevor's newly actived seismic whatzis.