I knew things would be dire, when this film’s copious opening credits cited all 12 producers, along with everybody down to the costume designer ... but failed to mention Charles Dickens.
That’s simply wrong.
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| The Ghost of Christmas Present (Tramell Tillman) grows increasingly impatient with Ebenezer Scrooge's (Johnny Depp) unwillingness to acknowledge the error of his cruel behavior. |
Every generation certainly deserves its own version of A Christmas Carol. It’s a true shame this generation got saddled with one of the worst ever made (a race to the bottom against Jim Carrey’s equally misbegotten 2009 attempt)..
The film’s appalling tone aside, its worst asset is Johnny Depp’s insufferably relentless, one-note performance. He spends the entire time with a grim brow, slitted gaze and pained scowl, like one sucking on sour lemons. This doesn’t even change during Scrooge’s all-important transformation during Stave (Chapter) Five, after having learned the error of his miserly ways.
Depp’s attempts at a smile, or anything approaching reawakened joie de vivre, aren’t the slightest bit persuasive. That isn’t solely his fault, of course; he obviously delivered what West demanded ... and we’re stuck with the tedious, soulless result.
Events begin with a prologue not in Dicken’s book: Christmas Eve, and the last night on Earth for Scrooge’s equally miserly partner, Jacob Marley (Ian McKellen, acting circles around Depp). The two men delight in tormenting their clerk, Bob Cratchit (Rupert Grint), doing his best to work in the freezing-cold office, warmed solely by a single candle flame.
Marley expires just before Christmas Day. A bit later, standing over the coffin of his dead partner, Scrooge bridles against snarky comments from the two gravediggers, impatiently waiting to finish the job. (I’d love to acknowledge those two actors, but — alas — they’re not identified in the cast list.)
Seven years pass, and it’s Christmas Eve once again. As the afternoon passes, Scrooge refuses an attempt at good cheer from his nephew, Fred (Sam Claflin); then snorts at the efforts of two good Samaritans seeking a donation to help shelter the poor. (Scrooge’s retort here — “Are there no prisons? And the Union workhouses?” — are lifted directly from Dickens.)
After reluctantly granting Cratchit the following day off, Scrooge walks the silent, snowy streets to his barren home. He’s startled when his doorknob briefly transforms into something ominous, but that’s just the beginning. While eating his usual dinner of porridge, Scrooge is terrified by the ghostly reappearance of Marley, dragging his chained sins behind him (credit where due: a marvelous special effect).
Scrooge backs against one wall ... at which point Checco Varese’s camera pans down, as a pool of urine appears on the floor.
That gratuitous moment of bad taste pretty much says everything about West and Halpern’s sensibilities.
But they’re just getting started. Apparently unconvinced that the spectral Marley is scary enough, Scrooge’s bedroom happens to look out upon a graveyard, which fills with dozens of similarly chained and wailing specters, which begin to crowd against his window. (Overkill, much?)
And, so, we’re off to Staves Two through Four, as Scrooge is confronted in turn by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. The first (Andrea Riseborough) is a harsh, unsettling apparition all in ghostly white, including her sightless eyes; the second (Tramell Tillman) is a stern, imposing figure with a voice like thunder, who visibly decomposes as his time with Scrooge proceeds.
Christmas Present’s two concealed “passengers” — the wretched, emaciated boy and girl respectively named Ignorance and Want — are perhaps more terrifying than anything else in this film. (West clearly has no use for subtlety.)
In fairness, these “visitation” sequences do better justice to Dickens, and are well played by the supporting cast. In the past, the adolescent Ebenezer (Alfie Buck) is rescued from schoolyard torment by his beloved older sister, Fan. As a young adult (Arthur Conti), he falls in love with Belle (Ellie Bamber), whose presence marks a fateful pivot point in his life.
Despite the warmth of these sequences — particularly during a raucous staff party hosted by Ebenezer’s employer, Mr. Fezziwig (Ian Midlane) — West and Halpern couldn’t resist adding a mean-spirited hiccup to the latter.
In the present, Bob Cratchit and his wife, Martha (Eva Wishart) fret over their youngest, Tiny Tim (Freddie Lee-Grey). A scene with the boy and his father, in church, is particularly heartbreaking ... although Lee-Grey later does a masterful job with his key line: “God bless us, ev’ry one!”
The always radiant Daisy Ridley is sadly underused as Clara, Fred’s wife, when Scrooge and Christmas Present eavesdrop on their dinner party. We learn here why Fred keeps trying to forge a relationship with his recalcitrant uncle.
When the black, shrouded Ghost of Christmas Future appears, West and Halpern truly pile it on.
But what follows is so anticlimactic, so poorly played by Depp, that even the various happy outcomes fall flat.
Do yourself a favor: Skip this mess, and re-watch Alastar Sim. Or Patrick Stewart. Or George C. Scott. Or Michael Caine (yes, the one with the Muppets; it’s terrific).
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