Ke Huy Quan, still fresh from his Oscar win for Everything Everywhere All at Once, can’t be blamed for capitalizing on his renewed 15 minutes of fame.
But one could wish he chose his projects more carefully.
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| When Rose (Ariana DeBose) rashly decides to come out of hiding, she hopes to enlist Marvin (Ke Huy Quan) in her scheme to seek revenge for past events. Alas, Marvin doesn't wish to wreck the comfortable life he has build ... but will he have a choice? |
Quan has serious taekwondo chops, having spent his 20-year acting hiatus working as an action/stunt consultant under the tutelage of Hong Kong director/choreographer Corey Yuen. Quan displays all the right moves here, employing everything from office furniture to laptops while handling everything (literally) thrown at him by stunt coordinator Can Aydin.
This film’s wafer-thin plot — cobbled together by scripters Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard and Luke Passmore — also gets points for its mordant humor. One baddie fancies himself a poet; a second one can’t figure out how to patch things up with his wife; the Valentine’s Day setting repeatedly comes into play.
But stunt coordinator-turned-first-time-director Jonathan Eusebio and his writers break the cardinal rule of such films: Killing innocents isn’t kosher ... and it’s a particularly egregious sin when their demise is accompanied by a slice of gratuitously tasteless gore.
Eusebio’s film lurches to an abrupt stop when he so indulges ... and, in the blink of an eye, the fun drains away.
Never to return.
(The endless F-bombs also don’t help.)
Marvin Gable (Quan), a realtor heading his own Milwaukee firm, has achieved considerable success thanks to the savvy care and charm with which he matches prospective buyers with their imagined dream homes. Alas, a crimson envelope shatters his routine on this particular February 14; it’s from Rose (Ariana DeBose), a former partner-in-crime whom he long ago left for dead.
But before he can consider the implications of her reappearance, Marvin is attacked by the hulking Raven (Mustafa Shakir); the subsequent skirmish destroys Marvin’s office, the cacophony somehow failing to be noticed by the rest of his staff.
Even executive assistant Ashley (Lio Tipton) regards the noise behind her boss’ closed door with little more than mild curiosity, but she has an excuse: cynicism and disillusionment with life, exacerbated by the hearts-and-flowers trappings of this contrived “day of love.”
Although managing to escape Raven’s assault, Marvin’s troubles multiply when he’s subsequently attacked by the Mutt ’n’ Jeff duo of King (Marshawn Lynch) and Otis (André Eriksen). The former’s street-smart experience compensates for the latter’s philosophical ramblings, particularly with respect to his inability to reconnect with his wife.
Turns out, back in the day, Marvin was the pet assassin for his ruthless older brother, Alvin “Knuckles” Gable (Daniel Wu), head of a criminal organization that included the aforementioned three baddies, along with second-in-command Renny Merlo (Cam Gigandet) and Rose.
Thanks to a (needlessly) complicated scheme that also involved eccentric accountant Kippy Betts (Rhys Darby), Rose was “caught” stealing $4 million from her boss. Her punishment: immediately execution by Marvin, who — after fulfilling that assignment — would be allowed to depart the gang and re-invent himself.
But Marvin couldn’t do it. He let Rose escape, told her to “disappear,” lied to his brother, and put it all behind while embracing a new life as a mild-mannered realtor.
Alas, Rose has grown weary of hiding; she also has designs on the money she was accused of taking. Rather than proceed surreptitiously — which would have been logical — she also sent a crimson envelope to Knuckles, who reacted with predictably fury. Cue the aforementioned mayhem.
Quan’s performance is endearing, particularly when accompanied by his occasional voice-over ruminations. DeBose is similarly engaging, as a mocking, flirty bad-ass with capably lethal talents of her own. The remaining players are one-note cartoons, although Tipton makes the most of Ashley’s unexpected encounter with True Love.
Sean Astin pops up as Cliff Cussick, Marvin’s amiable real estate boss and mentor, who embodies the steady, grounded life to which our hero aspires. In a droll bit of stunt casting, Drew Scott — of HGTY’s Property Brothers — pops up as rival real estate agent Jeff Zaks.
Dominic Lewis’ shrieking score is complemented by poetically placed pop tunes such as Céline Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” and Lady Gaga’s “Die with a Smile.”
Eusebio et al obviously tried for the vicariously goofy action vibe achieved by 2022’s Bullet Train — which succeeded, in great part, thanks to Brad Pitt — but (sadly) their result veers much closer to last year’s Awkwafina/John Cena bomb, Jackpot!
That said, Love Hurts does have one saving grace: At a fast-paced 83 minutes — thank you, editor Elísabet Ronaldsdóttir — the film knows when to get off the stage.
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