I’m not the slightest bit surprised to recall that scripter Jason Fuchs’ early résumé includes 2012’s Ice Age: Continental Drift.
Because, after a promising first act, this new spy comedy devolves into an increasingly insufferable — and boring — live-action cartoon.
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| Having discovered a secret stash in an otherwise abandoned London safe house, Aidan (Sam Rockwell) is surprised to see that Elly (Bryce Dallas Howard) recognizes some of the concealed tech. |
And not in a way that can be excused as “dumb fun.”
This one’s just dumb.
A revved-up prologue opens as stylish spy Argylle (Henry Cavill) meets a femme most fatale, who unexpectedly turns the tables on him. A rambunctious chase sequence follows, the woman finally captured with the assistance of colleagues Wyatt (John Cena) and Keira (Ariana DeBose).
But the mission has ended badly, and our good guys now are isolated from their agency handlers.
At which point the curtain pulls back, and all this is revealed as the visualized final chapter of book five in the popular Argylle spy series, read aloud at a bookstore event by author Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard). Fans adore her and the series; one questioner wonders aloud how she’s able to so uncannily concoct stories that seem to anticipate real-world events.
Plenty of dull research Elly replies, with a modest smile.
Back at home with her beloved cat Alfie, Ellie has an intriguing “relationship” with her series character; when stuck for a bit of dialogue, or how to move the action along, she “becomes” him — Cavill obligingly reappears — long enough to find the right words. Indeed, she has just finished the sixth novel, which she cheekily intends to conclude on a cliffhanger.
(Oh, those merciless authors; they do love to torture us readers.)
But Elly’s No. 1 fan — her mother, Ruth (Catherine O’Hara) — having been sent a copy, can’t believe that her daughter would be so cruel. Let’s get together, Ruth proposes, and we’ll brainstorm a final chapter.
Bundling Alfie into the world’s cutest hard-shell bubble capsule pet carrier, Elly boards a train. (Flying terrifies her.) She winds up accosted by Aidan (Sam Rockwell), a scruffy fan who proves quite useful when everybody else in their train car suddenly tries to kill them both.
Cue a lively fracas, which is well-staged by fight choreographer Guillermo Grispo.
Turns out these assassins work for Ritter (Bryan Cranston), director of an off-book, black-ops agency with clearly evil intentions. Such details emerge in a rush from Aidan, who further explains that Elly’s gift for creative spyjinks have made her of interest to Ritter, who wishes to kidnap her and mine her imagination, in order to anticipate likely “what will happen next?” world scenarios.
(Yes, that’s a bit of a lift ... but certainly a cheeky one.)
Subsequent key players pop up in a rush, including Saba Al-Badr, the “keeper of secrets” (Sofia Boutella, well remembered as the lethal Gazelle, in Vaughn’s first Kingsman film); and Alfred “Alfie” Solomon (Samuel L. Jackson), a former spymaster who has retired to his own private vineyard in France.
As Vaughn and Fuchs move their film into its second act, the “all is not as it seems” touches accelerate in a manner that initially seems quite slick (and answers our numerous rising questions).
But once a couple of seemingly final Big Surprises are revealed ... everything goes to hell.
Fuchs can’t resist mounting ever more triple-, quadruple- and quintuple-crosses, until trying to keep up proves exhausting. Worse yet, the aforementioned third act descends into an orgy of bullet- and blade-inflicted violence that seriously stresses the film’s PG-13 rating.
Elly nonetheless makes a captivating protagonist, as she tries to keep up with all this madness. Howard makes her appropriately flustered, bewildered and even terrified, although we also sense a core of steel that occasionally proves useful. The funniest bit comes when Aidan tries to teach her how to stomp, twist and break a downed bad guy’s neck: a maneuver that prompts all manner of grimaces, squinches, groans and eyes turned heavenward by Howard.
(Does Elly actually do it? I’ll never tell...)
Rockwell makes ample use of long-suffering sighs and his signature deadpan humor, as poor Aidan alternately tries to cajole and browbeat Elly into getting with the program.
Cranston makes a suitable villain, and Jackson has fun with a role he mostly phoned in.
The film’s true star, though, is Alfie: an expressive Scottish Fold tabby named Chip, and owned by Vaughn and wife Claudia Schiffer. Aside from always looking adorable in his bubble carrier, Alfie ultimately plays a key role in these proceedings (although it’s obvious that some of his activity is handled by a CGI stunt double).
Although Argylle has moments, the tediously extended and progressively ridiculous conclusion destroys the first act’s marginal good will. One hopes Vaughn doesn’t intend to make this a series.
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