Twilight Eclipse: Bloodless

Twilight: Eclipse (2010) • View trailer for Twilight: Eclipse
Two stars (out of five). Rating: PG-13, for swooning teenage angst and quite a lot of violence
By Derrick Bang • Originally published in The Davis Enterprise, 7.2.10
Buy DVD: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Two-Disc Special Edition) • Buy Blu-Ray: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Single-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo)


Thank goodness for Taylor Lautner. 

At the risk of succumbing to the obvious pun, this film would be utterly lifeless without his easy presence, quick grin and dry sense of humor. 

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has trouble keeping Jacob (Taylor Lautner,
left) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) from attacking each other, since
werewolves and vampires have been natural enemies for
generations. The situation gets even stickier, because Jacob and
Edward both love Bella, and each believes that he'd be the better
boyfriend. Bella, poor dear, can't make up her mind. That makes
sense, since it's impossible to tell, from Stewart's perpetually
mopey expression, which guy she does prefer. Acting isn't a strong
suit in this film...

Honestly, would it be so difficult for all the rest of these people to smile? 

Judging by the giddy, sugar-fueled enthusiasm and shrieks of delight every time Lautner hit the screen during Monday evening's Sacramento preview of Twilight: Eclipse, this third entry in Stephenie Meyer's insufferably maudlin vampire/werewolf opus will please the faithful — they call themselves "Twihards" — just as much as the first two films. Which is to say, this installment inflexibly follows the same formula. 

I do not mean that as a compliment. 

Some stories reluctantly resort to cliches when necessary; some make at least a token effort to conceal well-worn plot contrivances. Director David Slade and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg positively wallow in the trite and overly familiar in Eclipse, as if the absence of original thought — and the lack of narrative forward progress — were virtues. 

Ah, yes: Let's talk about forward progress. 

At the end of this series' previous installment, Twilight: New Moon, Bella (Kristen Stewart) asked her vampire boyfriend, Edward (Robert Pattinson), to turn her into a vampire, so that she might remain with him for eternity. Edward countered by asking Bella to marry him. Fade to black. 

At the end of this film, Bella asks Edward to turn her into a vampire, and Edward asks Bella to marry him. Fade to black. 

No lie. 

Deja-vu never felt so oppressive. 

Similarly, I can report with complete accuracy that neither Bella nor Edward has changed a lick since these films began with 2008's Twilight. Bella still looks, in every scene, as if somebody has just run over her favorite puppy. Edward still looks, in every scene, as if he's about to burst into tears. Declarations of love eternal repeatedly flow between these two, always delivered with breathless, constricted intensity amid pauses so pregnant I keep expecting them to give birth. To triplets. 

Valentine's Day: Rather sweet

Valentine's Day (2010) • View trailer for Valentine's Day
3.5 stars (out of five). Rating: PG-13, for sexual candor and fleeting nudity
By Derrick Bang • Originally published in The Davis Enterprise, 2.12.10
Buy DVD: Valentine's Day • Buy Blu-Ray: Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]


Interconnected stories and all-star casts have been a Hollywood staple ever since 1932's Grand Hotel, a best picture Academy Award winner that tossed Greta Garbo, John Barrymore, Joan Crawford, Wallace Beery — and numerous other big names of the day — into a richly melodramatic and romantic stew that took place at a plush Berlin hotel "where nothing ever happens."

The technique also has been exploited for tension-fueled drama in recent hits such as Crash and Babel.

Ten-year-old Edison (Bryce Robinson, right) thinks nothing of the fact that he
has insufficient funds for an expensive flower transaction, and assumes that
Reed (Ashton Kutcher) will stand him the difference. Their negotiation is one
of many aw-shucks moments in Valentine's Day.

On a lighter, more playfully romantic note, the recent benchmark remains 2003's Love Actually, one of the most sparkling ensemble romps ever made.

Director Garry Marshall and a trio of screenwriters — Katherine Fugate, Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein — seem to have fashioned Valentine's Day as an American response to Love Actually, and to a degree they've succeeded. Marshall's film, although uneven, hits many of the same whimsical high notes; the large ensemble cast is well used in a series of stories connected in ways that are both mildly contrived and extremely clever.

Indeed, the final few surprises — saved for the film's very end — can't help making you smile.

The varied events and encounters take place during a single day — Valentine's Day — throughout various portions of Los Angeles. We begin with three different couples waking in each other's arms: flower shop vendor Reed (Ashton Kutcher), who springs a ring and pops the question to girlfriend Morley (Jessica Alba); grade school teacher Julia (Jennifer Garner), deliriously in love with new boyfriend Harrison (Patrick Dempsey); and agent-in-training Jason (Topher Grace), in the early stages of dating agency receptionist Liz (Anne Hathaway).

Elsewhere, teen bubblehead Felicia (pop music sensation Taylor Swift) receives a huge stuffed white teddy bear from boyfriend Willy (Taylor Lautner). Felicia's good friend Grace (Emma Roberts) and her longtime boyfriend Alex (Carter Jenkins) have decided to "take their relationship to the next level" with a clandestine lunchtime bedroom rendezvous at her home, when she knows both parents will be out.

Grace babysits 10-year-old Edison (Bryce Robinson), who lives with his grandparents (Shirley MacLaine, Hector Elizondo) and is a star pupil in Julia's class. Edison, secretly sweet on somebody in his classroom, has grandiose plans for this particular Valentine's Day.

But not everybody is swooningly, deliriously perky over the prospect of this annual holiday for lovers. TV sports reporter Kelvin (Jamie Foxx) resents being stuck with a day of "lovers in the street" puff pieces, when he'd much rather pursue a story involving the future of star football quarterback Sean Jackson (Eric Dane).