Sigh.
What a mess.
The proverbial roomful of chimpanzees, banging away at typewriters, could have written a better script.
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| Asha initially is enchanted when Magnifico shows her one of the thousands of "wish spheres" he protects in his castle study ... but she quickly realizes that his outward benevolence conceals something much darker. |
Co-directors Chris Buck and Fawn Veerasunthorn’s bewildering train wreck is a blatant example of “art” submerged beneath crass commercialism: dictated solely by the need to reinforce the Disney brand and traditions ... and it certainly ticks all the boxes.
• Plucky young heroine? Check. (Another outfit to be worn by young Disney Princess fans).
• A tragically absent parent? Check. (Goes all the way back to Bambi, donchaknow.)
• An insufferably cute animal sidekick? Check. (The plush toys will fly off store shelves.)
• A plethora of new songs, each one striving to become the next popular power ballad? Check. (Great for social media clicks.)
• Frequent “clever” references to previous Disney films? Check. (In this case, scores of such references ... clearly a case of the tail wagging the dog).
The only thing missing is a coherent narrative. And characters we actually care about.
Actually, that isn’t entirely fair. Our heroine, Asha, is captivating: intelligent, resourceful, ethical, and granted a wide range of emotions courtesy of Academy Award-winning voice actress Ariana DeBose. But one can’t help feeling sorry for Asha, stuck in this poorly constructed story. She deserves better.
The so-called plot, then, with back-story supplied via a storybook-pages prologue:
Long ago, following personal loss, Magnifico (Chris Pine) taught himself to become a powerful wizard; he then established the island kingdom of Rosas, where “wishes come true.” Over time, he and his wife, Amaya (Angelique Cabral), appointed themselves king and queen; they’ve watched with pride as Rosas has grown into a peaceful realm that has attracted newcomers from throughout the world, lured by its reputation.
All adults — and children, upon turning 18 — surrender their innermost wish to Magnifico, during a popular public ceremony. He keeps them all safe in his castle — in small, magical blue spheres — and, once a month, he grants someone’s greatest desire.
Which is to say, stripping away the magical setting:
Everybody sacrifices their innermost dreams for “safety” under a benevolent dictator.
This is a good thing?
Asha hopes to become the king’s new assistant — the (ahem) “sorcerer’s apprentice” — in part because she hopes to persuade Magnifico to honor the 100th birthday of her beloved grandfather, Sabino (Victor Garber), by granting hiswish. Asha’s interview with the king goes badly, particularly when she realizes that he has no intention of everreturning (granting) most wishes. This is how he controls the kingdom: by dangling false hope.
Magnifico, in turn, realizes that he has revealed too much to the girl ... which gives her further evidence of his true colors.
Despondent beyond words, Asha — accompanied by her devoted pet goat, Valentino — flees to the place she closely associates with her late father. She then, well, wishes upon a star ... and dang, one obligingly drops from the sky. This shimmering, golden, adorable little entity is a cosmic force that possesses its own magic, most notably used to give voice to every plant, animal and object sprinkled with its stardust.
Including Valentino, now voiced by Alan Tudyk, and given to wincingly awful one-liners.
At which point the entire forest, from trees and mushrooms to bunnies and bears, joins Asha in a rowdy rendition of the message song “I’m a Star.” During which she realizes, y’know, that we’re all “stars” in our own right, deserving of our own dreams. And wishes. (Cue the heartstrings being tugged.)
The true “jump the shark” moment comes not much later, after Star gives voice to a castle pantry filled with chickens. At which point, Constant Companion and I exchanged glazed glances.
Sadly, most of the seven Julia Michaels/Benjamin Rice songs aren’t the slightest bit memorable, with the exception of the first one — “Welcome to Rosas” — which has the lively, setting-establishing energy of other “introduction” songs such as “Belle” (Beauty and the Beast) and “The Family Madrigal” (Encanto).
Unfortunately, all the rest become increasingly intrusive. Properly designed musicals have clever songs that integrate seamlessly with on-screen events. Songs in bad musicals merely interrupt the flow (although, in this case, there isn’t much flow to interrupt). After this film’s third tune, each subsequent rising swell of Dave Metzger’s orchestral score prompted a groan of “Good gawd, they’re gonna sing again...”
A duet between Magnifico and Asha — “At All Costs” — feels oddly creepy, as if he’s grooming her. Much later, his vengeful “This Is the Thanks I Get?” is the time-wasting nadir.
Asha’s “forever friends” are noteworthy solely because of the way they’re modeled on Snow White’s seven dwarfs, and this one-note lift is their sole personality: Dahlia, the baker (Doc); the large, yawning Simon (Sleepy); the short, argumentative Gabo (Grumpy); the allergy-ridden Safi (Sneezy); the cheerful Hal (Happy); the somewhat silly Dario (Dopey); and the shy Bazeema (Bashful).
Late in the game, though, one of them betrays Asha ... which makes absolutely no sense.
Actually, quite a lot makes no sense. Given Magnifico’s enormous magical skills, once he succumbs to the dark side — insert moral: absolute power corrupts absolutely — Asha escapes him by merely running? And then he chases her on horseback?? And she gets away???
And don’t even get me started on Star’s similarly ill-defined powers. Once again, this is a contrived and sloppy story where every magical entity is only as strong, or as weak, as a given scene demands.
I struggle to identify this film’s target audience. Nobody over the age of 8 would tolerate this nonsense, and the story isn’t coherent enough to please anybody younger.
But Buck and Veerasunthorn do manage one impressive feat: Their film is only 92 minutes long ... and it’s boring.
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