No stars (turkey). Rating: R, for graphic violence, grisly images, profanity and strong sexual content
By Derrick Bang • Originally published in The Davis Enterprise, 10.25.13
Cormac McCarthy apparently felt
that 2009’s big-screen adaptation of his novel The Road wasn’t sufficiently
bleak, violent or morally depraved, so he upped his game with the original
screenplay for this glossy bit of rubbish.
Rarely have so many A-list stars
been involved in such a lamentable waste of time.
The Counselor isn’t merely set
in a world of abominable behavior; McCarthy’s characters are cheerfully
pragmatic about it. No act too vile to contemplate? They don’t merely
contemplate; they discuss barbarism with the thoughtful ease of two fellows
comparing cigar brands in a gentlemen’s club. Then, having laboriously exhausted
the subject, director Ridley Scott ensures that we’ll eventually get to watch
each degenerate act.
McCarthy has a Pulitzer Prize to
his credit, for the aforementioned The Road, and rumor suggests that he’s
under consideration for a Nobel Prize for literature. The characters in his
novels often struggle with moral ambiguity in an increasingly cynical world,
although we’re generally able to sympathize with a well-meaning protagonist,
whether John Grady Cole in All the Pretty Horses, or Sheriff Ed Tom Bell in
the grimmer No Country for Old Men (adapted into a sensational 2007 film by
Joel and Ethan Coen).
But there’s nobody to like in The Counselor; indeed, it’s difficult to even understand most of the
characters who populate this deadly dull study of ill-advised acts and their
horrible consequences. Everybody is morally compromised at best, or
sociopathic, or indifferently brutal. Everybody except the token innocent, that
is, who may as well be wearing a sign that reads “Sacrificial Lamb.”
Mind you, a roster of degenerates
isn’t necessarily bad in and of itself; Quentin Tarantino has a way of
extracting wonderfully dark entertainment from the vicious swine who inhabit,
say, Pulp Fiction or Inglourious Basterds. But that’s precisely the point:
Tarantino characters are engaging for the way they revel in their bad behavior,
whereas the increasingly tiresome players in this drama give new meaning to the
word “boring.”
And goodness, how they talk.
Talk, talk, talk ... most of them trying to impress our title character — his
given name never revealed — with their deeply philosophical, even poetic views
on the nature and consequences of vice. They all sound like frustrated
university English professors.
Needless to say, real people —
particularly dangerous criminals — don’t talk this way, but this twisted story
isn’t deep enough to qualify as some sort of parable. It’s simply dull, and
you’ll quickly tire of actors who declaim with the faux intensity of bad
Shakespearean performers.
Our “hero” invariably stands,
blank-faced, during all these exchanges, asking moronic questions that
encourage the continuance of each tedious conversation. He demonstrates the
intelligence and perceptive savvy of a 5-year-old child, which makes one wonder
how he has been able to curry favor, at least initially, with so many
upper-echelon bad guys.
I knew we were in trouble, early
on, when The Counselor — as everybody calls him — endures a lengthy discussion
on the nature and imperfections of diamonds: a didactic sermon that quickly
devolves into the dullest lecture imaginable. It goes on forever. Does it have
anything to do with what follows? Is this diamond merchant a key character, and
will we see him again? Is the diamond itself, which The Counselor eventually
purchases, somehow significant? Nope, nope and nope.
Granted, this microscopically
flawed gem foreshadows an ongoing theme of flawed behavior, and particularly
the rather sexist notion, offered (at tedious length) by Reiner (Javier
Bardem), that all women prefer imperfect men. But that point is obvious long
before this interminable scene concludes ... and it’s merely the first of
numerous interminable scenes.
Scott opens his film with The
Counselor (Michael Fassbender) in bed with his lover, Laura (Penélope Cruz):
also an oddly protracted sequence intended to convey playful intimacy, which
somehow misses that mark and slides toward vulgarity. Maybe it’s the smug look
on Fassbender’s face, which clashes with Cruz’s gently affectionate smile.
This is an early indication of
the degree to which Fassbender, generally a much better actor, swans through
much of this film with expressions and body language that seem a little bit
off, if not downright wrong. He simply doesn’t work as a character.
Anyway, for reasons we never
learn, The Counselor has gotten himself into deep financial doo-doo. He
therefore embarks on two foolhardy plans: to open a nightclub in partnership
with Reiner, a decadent entrepreneur with connections to The Wrong Sort of
People. Worse yet, this scheme will be financed — and The Counselor’s money
problems “solved” — by his involvement with a massive drug shipment from Mexico
to the States.
Everybody warns The Counselor not
to do this, not to take this step, because Actions Have Consequences. Reiner
warns him. At length. Westray (Brad Pitt), the middleman in this proposed
arrangement, also warns him. At greater length. The Counselor smiles blandly,
asking stupid questions and making brainless observations, then does it anyway.
We can’t help wondering how our
protagonist is allowed to participate in this $20 million drug deal. What’s his
buy-in? Why is he taken at face value by off-camera drug barons who obviously
would be suspicious of such a dumb neophyte?
Actually, that’s the major
problem with this screenplay. We know nothing about our title character. Is he
an essentially good man making one ghastly mistake, or a longtime sleaze who
deserves what comes next? How has he gotten to know these people? Why does he
seem to represent only shady individuals, such as Ruth, the tough felon played
with almost comical prison ’tude by Rosie Perez?
It’s like this guy parachutes
into this storyline, no identity or background given, and then does stuff
simply because The Script Says So.
Rubbish.
Scott is equally clumsy with
respect to logging key events. There’s no sense of time in this mess. Do days
pass? Weeks? When, precisely, does The Counselor spring Ruth’s adult son from
jail, thus allowing this kid to meet his destiny and set up the catastrophe
that ruins everything?
Much is made, as well, of the
drug shipment cleverly concealed within a truck of liquid waste: a truck that
gets hijacked not just once, but twice, ultimately winding up under the control
of ... who? Do we care?
Not in the least.
We do know that the initial
double-cross is orchestrated by Reiner’s girlfriend, Malkina (Cameron Diaz), a
brilliant sociopath who delights in destroying people: an act that she regards
as an erotic high. She identifies with Reiner’s two pet leopards, and the athletic
grace with which they chase down prey; she even has leopard-style spots
tattooed on her back. It’s an intriguing role for Diaz, but — again — Malkina
remains a cipher, despite one fleeting remark regarding her childhood.
Malkina certainly is the most interesting
character in this morass, but that’s damning with very faint praise.
Pitt, alternatively, is the most
interesting actor: the only one who puts just the right spin on his
performance. He looks and behaves like the cautious, slightly mocking type
who’d be found in such circumstances, who knows that the odds are certain to
catch up with him, but — like an addicted gambler — can’t walk away from the
table.
The production values are as dull
as McCarthy’s script. Dariusz Wolski’s cinematography is washed out and
lifeless, and he doesn’t do anything interesting with interiors that range from
seamy to opulent. Daniel Pemberton’s tuneless score is actually irritating ...
but not nearly as irritating as Scott’s reliance on tight close-ups, as these
people chatter on, and on, and on.
I cannot imagine what anybody saw
in this script, even given the obvious allure of working with McCarthy. And I
definitely can’t imagine why the execs at 20th Century Fox believed they had
something worth releasing. This rancid flick should have been staked like a
vampire, its head lopped off — as happens more than once, during this saga —
and buried in a separate grave.
Bad movies come in many flavors,
but nothing is worse than being boring. Perpetually boring. Grindingly, offensively,
sadistic-for-the-hell-of-it boring.
You’ve been warned.
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