2.5 stars. Rating: R, for crude and sexual content, pervasive profanity and drug use
By Derrick Bang
This is a one-note Saturday
Night Live sketch stretched way
beyond its limits.
Granted, the technology employed
to animate this short, stuffed teddy bear is amazing. I particularly admire the
attention to little details, such as the way his fur bristles during moments of
stress, or the little shadow that falls on the ground — at the proper angle to
the sun — as he walks along a park pathway.
But Ted wastes far too much
time hammering the same tired joke: potty-mouthed teddy bear who likes to get
stoned, and loves to dally with disreputable ladies. The novelty of that gag
wears thin almost immediately, and yet this film’s script — credited to Alec
Sulkin, Wellesley Wild and director Seth MacFarlane — keeps ringing that same
bell.
Look how funny this is,
MacFarlane repeatedly insists. A teddy bear who cusses like a dockworker!
Yeah, yeah, yeah ... we get it,
we get it. Now get on with something
else.
Alas, “something else” is a long
time coming.
Ted begins with a lengthy
flashback, narrated gravely — and quite drolly — by Patrick Stewart, which
centers on John Bennett, a lonely little boy with no friends. After receiving a
cuddly stuffed teddy bear on Christmas Day, John makes A Big Wish. The
following morning, to his delight, Ted has come to life.
Ted becomes an overnight
celebrity: darling of news reports, honored guest on Johnny Carson’s late-night
talk show (nice bit of revisionist clip-editing, there). Initially a sweet, angelic
companion just right for a little boy, Ted “matures” into a slacker dope fiend
as John grows older (now played by Mark Wahlberg).
The point, a bit long in coming,
is that Ted’s presence has kept John in an arrested adolescent state: not good
for a 35-year-old guy.
Despite this, John has won the
heart of Lori Collins (Mila Kunis), a professional woman with a real job. John,
in contrast, has a dead-end position at a car-rental agency, where — at the
slightest provocation — he’ll blow off work to sneak home and get stoned with
Ted.
But as John and Lori celebrate
their four-year anniversary, her patience has worn thin; Ted’s antics, in turn,
have become wholly intolerable. (Let’s just say that the incident with the four
hookers strays into disgusting territory that isn’t funny in Judd Apatow
flicks, and still isn’t funny here.) Although Lori is kind enough not to put an
ultimatum into actual words, John gets the message: It’s either Ted or her.
But this dance, too, plays out
far too many times; it feels as thought the story simply jogs in place.
Until the third act, at which
point the narrative flickers into life with the introduction of some actual
dramatic tension and a few surprise cameos. Norah Jones gets some quality
screen time — referencing a long-ago sordid dalliance with Ted — but the real
hoot comes with the appearance of Sam Jones, also playing himself.
This is significant because John
and Ted have long regarded 1980’s Flash Gordon as the ne plus ultra of geek fantasy films, and the chance to meet Flash
in the flesh — as it were — is too good to be true. Jones, for his part, has a
lot of fun lampooning the image from his long-ago sci-fi bomb.
Then things really kick into gear, thanks to a sinister turn by Giovanni
Ribisi, as Donny, a stalker blend of Ed Gein and Hannibal Lecter, who, ever
since boyhood, has wanted Ted for his very own. Donny and his equally creepy
adolescent son, Robert (Aedin Mincks), have unhealthy designs on Ted, and their
desires are not to be denied.
Ribisi probably is getting tired
of his association with similarly disturbing roles, but golly, it’s hard not to
be transfixed; he makes such a persuasive psychopath. Ribisi and Mincks make a
father-son partnership in derangement that might give Jeff Lindsay’s Dexter
pause.
Wahlberg, game for just about
anything, pours heart and soul into his Boston-based shlub. His slow takes and
smoldering burns are amusing, and he almost — not quite — manages to sound
credible when insisting that this time, really,
his love for Lori is strong enough to prompt a change in behavior.
Unfortunately, Wahlberg too
frequently acts up a storm in a vacuum, trying to breathe life into contrived,
tired set-ups that aren’t amusing the first time, let alone the fifth.
MacFarlane voices Ted, turning
the stuffed bear into a profane stand-up mouthpiece, much like the politically
incorrect characters on his animated TV shows, Family Guy and American Dad! To be sure, Ted is an equal-opportunity offender; he spares no race, culture,
religious denomination or gender. That’s not to say he gets a pass for some of
his nastier efforts at humor; as with much of this film, Ted’s commentary tries
much too hard with far too little.
Kunis continues to underwhelm,
trading on little beyond her natural cuteness and signature dark eye shadow.
She makes Lori a worthy object of desire, but the demands placed on her
character arc are beyond Kunis’ modest acting talents.
Joel McHale is appropriately
smarmy as Rex, Lori’s boss, who has wanted to bed her for years. Patrick
Warburton has a modestly amusing turn as Guy, one of John’s co-workers, who
apparently can’t get a handle on his sexuality ... until committing with
another unexpected guest star.
Stewart has fun, as he imitates
the manner of a classic fairy tale narrator, while occasionally “breaking
character” to interject some unexpectedly caustic observations. This
juxtaposition of tone works quite well, because Stewart only “slips”
occasionally. Too bad MacFarlane didn’t employ similar restraint with the rest
of his film.
In fairness, yes, by the climax I
was surprisingly wrapped up in Ted’s fate; I guess the film finally wore me
down. But that’s damning with rather faint praise. At 106 minutes, Ted is at
least an hour too long ... which means, obviously, that MacFarlane simply
hasn’t delivered enough material for a feature film.
1 comment:
Maybe it's just me, but the whole idea of a toy complementing a man's personality reminds of The Beaver (besides, not much time has elapsed between the two releases...)
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